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Dallas Mavericks center Andrew Bogut during an NBA basketball media day Monday, Sept. 26, 2016, in Dallas. (AP Photo/LM Otero)

Warriors’ automated scouting reports for Harrison Barnes, Andrew Bogut

AP Photo/LM Otero

Pleasant Greetings and Salutations,

This is an advisory letter generated by the Golden State Warriors’ automated personnel transaction algorithm. Please do not reply.

You are receiving this communication as a courtesy for one or more of the following reasons:

  • You have acquired, via trade, a former member of the Golden State Warriors
  • You have acquired, via free-agent signing, a former member of the Golden State Warriors
  • You have acquired a former member of the Golden State Warriors via one or both of the aforementioned methods

Our records indicate your roster currently includes (1) Barnes, Harrison and (2) Bogut, Andrew.

At the outset, we offer our congratulations. Barnes, Harrison and Bogut, Andrew each provided four years of service to our organization, and we are hopeful your experience with them is both personally enjoyable and professionally fulfilling. In the spirit of fair dealing and the interest of full disclosure, this communication will provide you with additional information about your new acquisitions. It is our hope that this information enhances your experience with Barnes, Harrison and Bogut, Andrew.

Item 1: Mr. Barnes

On-Court Summary

Mr. Barnes will offer defensive versatility and may also be relied upon to provide efficient three-point shooting — if and only if said shooting attempts are not preceded by any dribbling. Mr. Barnes should, under no circumstances, be permitted to dribble. It is our earnest hope that you have not acquired Mr. Barnes with the intention of expanding his sphere of contribution. Our proprietary metrics caution strongly against any such course, and while we are not obligated to disclose those findings, suffice it to say Mr. Barnes’ capabilities are no greater than they have appeared during the last four seasons.

Personality Snapshot

Mr. Barnes’ demeanor was consistently satisfactory in his time with our organization. In fact, he demonstrated so few instances of notable human emotion as to necessitate a precautionary recalibration of our personality metrics. The equipment was functioning normally. Mr. Barnes’ refusal to display on-court emotion should not be cause for concern, though, relatedly, it would be prudent to inform members of your organization’s media relations staff that Mr. Barnes will also never provide them with material that could be described as controversial, illuminating or otherwise interesting in any way. We had substantial success substituting a cardboard cutout of Mr. Barnes in his place during press conferences. No media ever noticed the difference.

Item 2: Mr. Bogut

On-Court Summary

Mr. Bogut will provide excellent low-minute interior defense for your organization unless and until he suffers an acute injury or his body breaks down in a more gradual fashion. It would be advisable to plan for both eventualities. Additionally, it is possible to operate a viable offensive attack with Mr. Bogut as the fulcrum. His passing skills always graded out as “excellent” in our databases. You should be aware, however, that Mr. Bogut frequently displays an unwillingness to shoot the basketball — a trait our staff has attributed to a profound fear of attempting free throws. Be advised this will create situations in which Mr. Bogut is a liability, particularly if he is not physically fit enough to contribute at optimal levels on defense.

Personality Snapshot

Mr. Bogut has been alternately categorized as “ornery,” “cranky,” “curmudgeonly” and “snide” by our personality metrics. Ironically, these descriptors endeared Mr. Bogut to over 94 percent of our local media members. Quantitative database searches for “Bogut+good quote” return thousands of hits. Given the significantly more conservative demographic in the state of Texas, it is our expectation that Mr. Bogut’s unapologetic support of anti-PC culture will meet with wide approval. Though it is not within this automated response system’s programming to enjoy things, our internal calculations suggest Dallas and Mr. Bogut will have “fun” together.


Thank you for your interest in and acquisition of former Golden State Warriors Barnes, Harrison and Bogut, Andrew. It is our sincere hope that you find them to be acceptable members of your basketball organization. It is also our intent to inform you that in the event either individual does not perform to your satisfaction, neither the Golden State Warriors, the NBA nor any affiliates thereof have the authority to nullify any trades or, as the case may be, rescind any free-agent contracts. In the parlance of lay men and not the precise dialogue parameters coded into this system: They are your problems now, suckers. No take backs.


Golden State Warriors Automated Personnel Transaction Algorithm

Warriors’ automated scouting reports for Harrison Barnes, Andrew Bogut

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