In the true spirit of the holiday season, Happy Festivus. So come, NBA family, gather ’round my Festivus pole and hear my rant. It’s time for the Airing of Grievances, and I’ve got a lot of things to say to you people. In no particular order, other than the random way they spilled out of my head, here’s what I’m sick of:
You, LeBron James, when you feel a call doesn’t go your way, and the rest of your team is hustling back on defense, that is not the time for you to whine incessantly to whichever ref is unfortunate enough to be in your way. Stop it.
Nikola Mirotic, nobody has bought on your pump fake since March. Every time you do a pump fake, an angel vomits. Stop it.
Chris Paul, you flop so much, fish insult each other with your name. Wet spaghetti flops less than you. And when you whine that your flop didn’t get called, even my dog cries. Stop it.
Anyone who argues that Stephen Curry is “just a shooter” is just a moron. The sheer level of incompetence and ignorance to levy such an argument is so preposterous, your third-grade teacher regrets having ever given you a passing grade. Stop it.
Tommy Heinsohn, your homerism is fine to a point, but you obliterated that point a long time ago. I mean, if you reined it in a thousandfold you would still be the biggest homer of any broadcaster in the NBA. Soccer announcers in South America watch film of you calling games to study when homerism goes too far. Stop it.
James Harden, your beard stopped being cute about three years ago. God only knows what colonies of insects and small rodents are living in there. It’s literally a physical hazard to other players. Shave it.
Kevin Durant, stop whining at the media as though you have ever been anything other than coddled by it. We aren’t your publicist. Or Kobe’s. Russell Westbrook, I’ll leave you alone because you’re kind of scary when you dunk. You keep doing it.
Anthony Davis, do something about the eyebrow, dude. It’s distracting. Pluck it.
Jimmy Butler, you know I love you bro, but Joakim Noah is the leader of the Bulls. Stop talking.
Giannis Antetokounmpo, your name is impossible to spell without cutting and pasting. Change it.
Fans who take a positive statement about one player and feel the compulsion to invoke your favorite player in the conversation, don’t be so needy. You remind me of my little brother when he was three. We called him “Me too” because if anyone ever asked anyone if they wanted anything, he would pipe in, “Me too.” You have the fan maturity of a three-year-old. Let other players get praised without invoking your guy. Stop it.
Twitter. And I mean just about everyone on it. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to false equivalence. Nary five minutes can go by without someone trying to equate this player’s five-game sample size of steals with Michael Jordan’s career average or some such nonsense. Every time you use false equivalence, Donald Trump gets another voter. If you use false equivalence, you want to ruin America. Stop hating America.
Broadcasters, stop misusing the word “within.” If the lead is AT seven it is not “within” seven. If you’re standing ON the out of bounds line, you are not WITHIN the boundary of the court. Within means INSIDE. Ergo to be “within seven” you’d have to have the lead to six or fewer points. I don’t know why this irritates me, but it does, and this is my airing of grievances. Anyway, all of you, stop it.
And while we’re on that, Mr. Stephen A. Smith, my grandiloquent friend, here’s a word for you: catachresis. Every time you misuse a big word, a kindergarten fails. And by the way, plethora doesn’t mean, “many” it means too many. As in a plethora of kindergartens have failed because of you. So you can’t have a plethora of a good thing, but you can misuse the word a plethora of times. Your abuse of the Thesaurus is destroying the English language. Stop it.
And don’t think I’m going to “skip” you, Mr. Bayless. You are the grievances champion of the universe. Hear me: There. Is. No. Such. Thing. As. A. Clutch. Gene. And while we’re at it, why is your logic about as consistent as an incontinent octogenarian with Chron’s disease? Your ability to reverse logical course from one argument to the next without even realizing you’re doing it is mind-blowing. Tony Romo and Tim Tebow are winners but LeBron James isn’t? How in the wide, wide world of sports do you have a job? Every time your show airs, someone dies. I mean that literally. Actually, about 12,000 people die worldwide. Is that a coincidence, or is it just Skip Bayless logic?
AHHHHHHHHHHH SIGH. I feel better now.
Get in on the action and add your own grievances down there.