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Grampa Kobe is NBA’s Most Philanthropic Player

Kevin Sullivan/Zuma Press/Icon Sportswire

Some say Kobe Bryant is selfish; that he takes too many shots and doesn’t pass enough. They say he made a money grab at the expense of the success of the Los Angeles Lakers. Talk to the members of his team, though, and you get a different perspective.

“Grampa Kobe,” as they lovingly refer to him, is quite the opposite. In reality, he’s arguably the most philanthropic player in the league. Where the critics see selfishness, his comrades on the court see only selflessness.

“Kobe doesn’t miss shots,” said new arrival Roy Hibbert, who’s averaging nearly a rebound per 100 possessions more than last year. “He provides rebounding opportunities.”

Teammate Julius Randle — who would be dominating early in the Rookie of the Year discussion if it weren’t for 14 minutes he played last year, technically making him not a rookie — is dominating the league with mind-numbing averages of 13.3 points and 9.3 rebounds. That’s an NBA record for rookies who aren’t in their rookie season.

“I can’t tell you how much it helps to have a guy like Kobe for a teammate,” boasted Randle. “A lot of guys might look at a 44.1 field goal percentage from a big man as a negative, but when you’re playing alongside Kobe, that number looks positively massive. I mean, I’m shooting nearly 10 percent better than one of the greatest players in history! How many teammates are going to miss shots just to make an almost-rookie look good?”

Indeed, such selflessness doesn’t go unnoticed in other areas either. That gargantuan contract that people complain about isn’t an issue with Lakers big man Ryan Kelly, who’s averaging 21 minutes per game.

“Look, some people complain about Grampa’s big contract,” argues Kelly. “But truth be told, I can’t begrudge him that. I mean, think about it. I’m in the rotation. Do you think I’d be in the rotation if we had spent that money elsewhere? Have you seen me play? Dude, I’m not even the first one picked when I play pickup games at the YMCA. But here I am, pulling in the big bucks to wear the Purple and Gold.”

Asked why he thought that some didn’t see it that way, Kelly shrugged his shoulders and quipped, “Haters gonna hate.”

Byron Scott, the oft-scorned head coach who’s bearing much of the blame for the Lakers’ early-season struggles wasn’t short on words. “It’s the media’s fault with their stupid analytics and fascination with three-point shooting,” he grumped. “All this math this, and math that. Three-point shots. Do you think the rim cares where the shot comes from? No one does. Only the media and their weird fascination with math.”

“Did you ever think about this?” Scott postulated. “If it weren’t for Kobe, how many of those media guys would even have a job? They make their living off complaining about Kobe, so they’d be without employment if they didn’t hate on him so much. Kobe misses shots just so they can have jobs. How’s that for analytics?!”

When asked about the reputation himself, Kobe just said, “Five. Eighty-one.”

And honestly, who can argue with logic like that.

This is a parody piece. None of the quotes attributed to the players are real. 

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