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Despite Failing Body, Kobe Bryant Still Has 2 Hands

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What can a person do with two hands? A lot of things, actually. One could be proficient at shoveling dirt, milking cows or scribbling words onto the Internet using a future-device (cool kids call them laptops, I guess). Those are merely a few of the many things which one can do with two hands.

Mind you, you can do all of these things even if the rest of your body is failing. Arthritic knee? No problem. Use one of your two hands to hurl a pill into your facehole. Your left eyeball got poked by your daughter’s headband? Outside the giggles, use one hand to put eye drops in it and the other to grab a tissue to wipe away your tears. Really, our two hands are a gift from God — literally, unless you don’t believe in that sort of magic.


Kobe Bryant still has two hands. Yes, Jelly Bean Jr. is losing all sorts of functionality with the rest of his body, yet Mother Nature — that fickle b**** — hasn’t been able to take away either of his phalanges-holders. With that…no, because of that, Kobe Bryant isn’t as nearly beyond being able to be a superstar for one more season as some people might lead you to believe.

People have talked about the demise of Kobe for a few years now. Some even — disgustingly, I might add — use things like facts, statistics and history to prove their point. But while all of these anti-Kobe folk have been running their yaps about Jelly’s decomposing corpse, not a one of them have even mentioned that Bryant continues to have two fully functioning hands.

It goes that way sometimes. As ESPN published their top billion players in the NBA list, Kobe haters only pointed out his flaws to justify his lowly ranking. Some of which is fair, although, not a single member of our species mentioned that Kobe has been able to eat Chinese food with no issues, is regularly carrying multiple grocery bags with both hands and that he has — without question — been using both of his hands to caress a basketball from time to time.

I mean, only pointing out the negatives while ignoring the positives seems like something a communist would do. So, yeah, if you think Kobe is done, then you’re likely a communist. Facts only, man.

That’s really the most important part, too. No one cares, myself included, what Bryant does with his two paws outside of the shooty hoops. As far as I’m concerned, unless he’s murdering a plethora of lobsters with them, he can do whatever he wants to do with them outside the realm of the NBA. Inside that realm, however, is an entire different story.

Here’s the thing: Long before the supposed demise of Kobe Bryant there was a younger Kobe Bryant. That Kobe Bryant had two hands just like this Kobe Bryant. See the similarities? They’re truly striking when you stop to think about it.

Jelly Bean Jr. used the pair of meathooks to showcase a bevy of creative ways to score the ball. Sure, long ago we credited his athleticism — which scientists “claim” come from one’s legs, torso and core — and basketball IQ for such things, but we were more naive then. That’s what people wanted us to believe.

To be fair to us, too. This is around the same time people tricked us into believing other things. Like Dane Cook being funny or that The 4400 shouldn’t be renewed. Crazy times, man. Crazy times.

Your mind blown yet, man?

Your mind blown yet, man?

Now…now, though, we know better. Kobe could’ve had all those things he had, but without his mitts there would be little chance of the ball ever entering inside the hoop like an ant entering an anthill. Think about it, man. If Kobe jumped as high as he used to, attempting to lay the ball up, what would the end result be without his hands?

If we’re to be honest with each other, which we should because we’re friends, the same people who say Kobe as a superstar is dead are the same people who believe in global warming, that reading is good, stats, facts, history and a bunch of other things us — the folks who know what we know because we use our eyes — know as complete and utter tomfoolery.

Here are the true facts. The facts that guys who hide behind stats, facts and words backed by people in Kobe’s field won’t even dare to discuss openly…because they fear that they’re about to be exposed for the people they truly are. You know, those who try to complicate things too much. So much so, in fact, that their points are so diluted, convoluted and other-luted, that you can’t ague with them because they simply don’t get what we get by using our eyeballs, man.

The fact of the matter is, as it always has been, is that Kobe Bryant still has two hands. Two hands which will allow him to jack up as many shots as he wants. Two hands which he’ll use to shush teammates with gestures as he always has. Two hands he’ll be able to use to punch you with one hand, while using the other to hoist a wonderfully artistic 40-foot bomb with 20 seconds still left on the shot clock.

Kobe Bryant: The man with two hands…STILL. Remember the name because his hands aren’t going anywhere.

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