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Nardone: Brett Brown’s Hacked Letter to Santa

Jan. 13, 2015 - Philadelphia, PA, USA - Sixers' Head Coach Brett Brown watches the basketball go out of bounds on the the Atlanta Hawks during the second quarter on Tuesday, Jan. 13, 2015 at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia, Pa. The Hawks won 105-87
Yong Kim/Zuma Press/Icon Sportswire

Philadelphia 76ers coach Brett Brown has seemingly had enough. After Philly’s loss to Memphis on Tuesday night, Brown went as bonkers as anyone has ever seen him. Despite being as patient with the process as a competitive person can possibly be, the tipping point was apparently his team’s inability to handle the rock with care. It makes sense, too — as Philadelphia turned the ball over 28 times against Memphis.

Let that sink in for a second…

Twenty-eight times the Philadephia 76ers coughed up the ball. That’s their fourth game this season with 25 turnovers or more. To put that in some perspective: The Internet’s favorite NBA Twitter user, Kendall Marshall, has only attempted 24 shots in five games this season. So, ugh, yeah.

To be fair, he is good on the Twitter.

To be fair, he is good on the Twitter.

After the game, Brown touched on the Sixers’ turnover issues. While his comments were brief, he mentioned something that stood out. He asked the people in the room if they preferred for him to discuss his team’s issues or if they would rather finish up some Christmas shopping — which is a stroke of genius. In fact, Brett Brown has been such a good boy this season, despite his team being as naughty as little Billy from three doors over, that one can only wonder what Brett Brown has jotted down on his Christmas list.

No worries about that, though. Today’s Fastbreak’s investigative team — which is totally not a real thing (yet) — was given access to Brown’s office. We have obtained his list to Santa Claus. It is posted below.

Dear Santa,

First, I simply wanted to tell you I am a huge fan of your work. I know a lot of folks think of you as a once-a-year guy, but I know hard you toil, and that it’s a yearlong journey. In some small way, I feel a strange kinship with you. While your work is greater in the grand scheme of things, let’s be honest here; the tasks that await for me are a wee-bit harder than yours. For the love of Prancer, my boss gave me Nik Stauskas in the offseason… AND HE WAS AN UPGRADE.

Eh, I digress…

So, anyway, I hope you have noticed how patient I’ve been this season. Some have told me I’m borderline saintly. Who’d argue with that? No one on this planet has been as tested as I have been in that area. Night after night, game after game, the good people of Philadelphia come in the hundreds to watch quality basketball, and all I can do is trot Hollis Thompson and Richaun Holmes on the court for them to watch.

Even worse, some basketbloggers (they all get coal, right?) spend their days writing things about some of the guys on this roster being good. For real! It is downright laughable. It also only makes me look like a bigger loser. If everyone on my team is “better than given credit” or “in the right spot” or “improving” or whatever, then why the hell do I only have one more win in the NBA than you, Santa?! And you don’t even play games in the NBA!

Personal aside, question: How did you coach-up Rudolph? I’ve heard the stories about the bullied reindeer rising up to be a team captain like everyone else, but is it simply his nose that made him a superstar? Asking for a friend.

Anyway, here is my list.

1- A point guard (preferabbly not a second-round draft pick)

2- A two-guard (preferabbly not a D-League player)

3- A small forward (preferabbly a basketball player)

4- A PS4 (could you bundle in NBA2K in it too? Really want to see how I’d do with the Thunder)

5- NO MORE BIG MEN

6- A calculator

7- A clause in my newly extended contract that let’s me leave if we win 10 or more games

8- Dignity. I have it, but no one seems to care.

9- A Joel Embiid highlight tape. I need to care again.

10- Breaking Bad DVD Set.

11- A new general manager.

12- Another guard. Any will do.

13- Poster of Rachael Leigh Cook. She’s pretty.

14- A smile from a fan.

Yours truly,

Brett Brown

PS: Sam Hinkie wanted to ask about your availability after the 25th. He says he could envision you being a tremendous stretch-four for us. Granted, he wanted me to add the caveat that it would be a one-year deal for the league minimum, but you’d get at least 20 minutes per game with us. Just some food for thought! I’ve seen Rise of the Guardians… I know you’ve got mad skills!

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