From the Courts

Breaking Down All-Star Celebrity Game Participants

Kelvin Kuo/USA TODAY Sports

It’s a tradition unlike any other. Essentially a revamped, slightly less absurd version of MTV’s Rock ‘N’ Jock games, the All-Star Celebrity Game is near. In fact, it happens tonight! More or less — and it is certainly less — the game is the unofficial start to All-Star Weekend. It’s also a mere appetizer for whatever other tomfoolery awaits basketball loving fans.

This year is slightly different. The game is being played in Toronto. So, naturally I guess, the NBA decided to have it be Canada vs. America — or something. None of it makes sense, as the NBA really limited themselves from what “celebrities” it could choose from since the international pool was eliminated.

Basically, I’m upset that this format means there was no possible way for Emma Watson to play in the game. Shame on you, Adam Silver.

A traditional point guard, Emma could have helped a team to victory.

Anyway, the rosters are set. Let’s break them down.

Team Canada

Head Coach: Drake

Are the Raptors not yet spurned by the fact that its ambassador — or whatever — is as famous for being a bandwagon fan as he is for doing musical things? As for his coaching style, word on the street is that Drake will implement a system similar to that of the one John Calipari uses at Kentucky. His biggest issue moving forward is that his roster doesn’t have any dynamic superstars. Maybe he should call Cal on his, uh…cell phone.

Assistant Coaches: Steve Nash, Jose Bautista, DeMar DeRozan

At least there’s a human who has actually played competitive hoops on the sideline. I imagine if Nash helps out in large ways that Phil Jackson will be calling him to take the Knicks gig.

Baustista is there in case there’s injuries and players need help by way of supplements.

Roster Breakdown

Stephan James: He’s the star of the movie “Race.” That’s all we really know about him. The good news is that he portrays an Olympic athlete in the movie. It must mean he’s at least somewhat athletic, right? Sadly, film shows he has a weak left hand and relies far too heavily on contested 20-foot jumpers. He’s the iso-Joe Johnson of Team Canada.

Win Butler: The guy from Arcade Fire who’s pretty good at shooty hoops. His name is the opposite of loss. Boom!

Drew and Jonathan Scott: Bros from Property Brothers — a show I’ve never heard of. They’re both 37 years old, which means they’re likely way beyond their prime. It could also be a signal that they’re a ball hogs, as it seems like every NBA player 37 or older takes more shots than Snookie from the Jersey Shore.

Milos Raonic: Hey, an actual athlete makes the list. Raonic is a tennis player. He’s currently ranked 11th in the world in that sport (I think?). Raonic is 6’5″, too — which is really tall for a famous non-hoops guy. Team Canada will need him to dominate the boards if they have a chance.

Kris Wu: No idea who he is. After using the Google Machine to find out information about him; he’s a rapper, actor, singer, etc. I usually take so many “skills” as a sign that a person actually has none. It’s like reading a blogger’s biography on Twitter, where it tells us that he’s an expert in five different sports. #insider.

Tracy McGrady: Good thing this isn’t a playoff game or Team Canada would have no chance. By the way, is this even legal? Dude is from Florida. Yeah, yeah. I know, he played for Toronto. He also left them to play in Houston. He’s the Drake of this team, in my humble opinion.

Rick Fox: It is the guy from Oz! People tell me he played basketball as well, but whatever.

Tammy Sutton-Brown: WNBA star, and the only chance Team Canada has at winning the game.

Tom Cavanagh: Plays a role in the TV show “The Flash.” I don’t watch the show, but I assume he has some sort of magical powers. He’s a good get for Team Canada.

Eugenie Bouchard: 58th-ranked tennis player in the world. What, was Celine Dion busy?

Team Merica

Coach: Kevin Hart

Glad to see Hart took time away from filming such classic movies as….

Hart is a multiple time Celebrity Game MVP. There’s a two billion percent chance he inserts himself in the game. He’s pretty good, too. A little too ball-in-hand heavy for my taste, but it’s worked out well for him.

Assistant Coaches: Isaiah Thomas, Becky Hammon, Andre Drummond

Why in the hell is Isaiah still getting coaching jobs? Will Merica never learn? Oh, wait, different Isaiah Thomas. Never mind. Anyway, Andre Drummond was clearly brought in to teach players how to dunk — specifically to anger that radio guy who thinks dunk contests are some sort of plight against the sport.

Roster Breakdown

Jason Sudeikis: He’s in the game due to his affiliation with the movie “Race,” but no one knows him from that. At least not yet. The funny man is engaged to Olivia Wilde. He must have game.

Anthony Anderson: Man, Anderson got too skinny. How is he going to post up on the block now? Hopefully he’s improved enough as a jump-shooter to become a competent stretch 4. The game has gotten smaller, and it seems as if Anderson is trying to adapt.

Joel David Moore: He was the not-at-all-athletic guy in the movie “Dodgeball.” Great pickup, Merica.

Nick Cannon: “Drumline” is a good movie. Fight me.

Chauncey Billups: He’s going to need to be the offensive fireplug for Team Merica. Otherwise they’ll need too many other non-athletes to step up. Likely an extension of Hart on the floor — except funnier.

Muggsy Bogues: What, was Mookie Blaylock not available? Oh…

Marc Lasry: He owns the Bucks, which means he probably stinks. He used to be a lawyer. That probably makes him a dirty player.

Terrence Jenkins: Radio/TV host, actor. I honestly know very little about him. He did at some point work for a sports company. Maybe osmosis set in?

O’Shea Jackson Jr.: Ice Cube’s son. Team Merica will hope O’Shea fudges around and gets a triple-double. If he does, then it’ll be a good day.

Elena Delle Donne: The best basketball player in the entire game. Because Celebrity Game, though, all that means is that all the other players will keep the ball away from her. That said, I can’t wait to see her cross-up all three dudes from Arcade Fire at the same time.

Prediction

Aren’t we all?

Just enough people will find this entertaining enough — or at least pretend to — that there will be another one of these abominations next season.

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